dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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