I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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