Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
