i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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