Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
