do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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