just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
