WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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