so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
