I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Randomize
