God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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