she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
