we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
