I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
