If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
