u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
