He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
