So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
