morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
