Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
