hotel room ftw
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
