Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
