I want you more than these girls want KFC
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
