Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
