Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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