How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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