he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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