Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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