Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
