I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
