I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
