people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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