If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
