I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
