I'm lost and stupid without you.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize