Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
