come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
