loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
