my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
