I have demons in me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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