At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
