What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
