at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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