Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
this beer tastes like vomit already
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
