So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
