Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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