There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
