can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
