I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
