Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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