I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
