got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
