...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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