I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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