i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
How's work?
Spinning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize