I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
