Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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