You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
