Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He better not be in your backpack
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
