I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize