Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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