No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
