I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
