i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize