if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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